


So Big/So Small

by canaryjpg



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Awesome May Parker (Spider-Man), Ben dies, Dear Evan Hansen References, Fluff and Angst, Gen, I love May, Musical References, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Pre-Spider-Man: Homecoming, Precious Peter Parker, Protective May Parker (Spider-Man), a look into may ben and peters relationship, also a little bit after, also during spiderman homecoming, but doesnt he always??, if you didnt notice, the cuties
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 11:12:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15862461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canaryjpg/pseuds/canaryjpg
Summary: "Goodbye, goodbyeNow it's just me and my little guyAnd the house felt so big, and I felt so smallThe house felt so big, and I felt so small."May and Ben weren't supposed to be Peter's parents. But suddenly, they were, and they couldn't be happier to have him.





	So Big/So Small

**Author's Note:**

> I know this song is about divorce, but I couldn't help myself. I'm in love with this musical and I also love Peter P, sooooooo this was a perfect fit. Thank you for reading!

**_It was a February day_ **

**_When your dad came by, before going away._ **

 

Peter wasn’t supposed to stay with them for long. His parents dropped him off at May and Ben’s, gave him a kiss on the forehead, and head out for a ‘business trip.’ May still remembered their final exchange to each other.

  
Mary had given Peter a kiss on the cheek and ran the pad of her thumb over where she left a lipstick mark. “Bye, honey. I’ll see you in a little bit, okay? Be good for your aunt and uncle.”

 

Peter had smiled widely, showing the gaps between his teeth. “I will!”

 

Richard had ruffled his hair and kissed his forehead. They had shared a family hug. Then, Richard wrapped his arm around Mary’s waist, waved goodbye to the three, and left.

  
  


They had fun on the weekend. Ben taught Peter chess, helped him with his homework, and cooked him meals, while May played board games with him and took him with her on her errands. It seemed every moment Peter had something to say, constantly babbling and tripping over his words trying to get his sentences out. They both found it endearing. There was never a dull moment with Peter Parker.

 

Unfortunately, the weekend ended, and the police were at their door.

 

May gave Ben a nervous glance as she opened the door and saw the officers staring at her. Ben immediately moved deeper into the apartment, and May assumed he was going to comfort Peter.

 

“Hello, ma’am, is this the apartment of Ben and May Parker?”

 

May nodded and ignored the way her stomach twisted. “Yes, officers. Is there a problem?”

 

And that’s when her life changed. When they told her Mary and Richard were in a plane crash. They didn’t make it. Ben was suddenly brother-less, Peter was suddenly an orphan, and May was suddenly his legal guardian. It all happened so fast, yet it felt like forever. May didn’t miss the way Ben’s eyes glistened when he heard the news. She pulled him into a hug and rubbed circles into his back as he cried.

 

“Aunt May? Uncle Ben? What’s wrong?” she heard Peter say. She jolted up and saw Peter staring worriedly at them from the door. He held his stuffed monkey to his chest and his large brown eyes darted from May to Ben.

 

“Peter…” Ben whispered, rubbing at his eyes. Peter jumped up onto the bed and Ben pulled him into his lap, rocking him gently.

 

“Pete… your parents… I’m so sorry, buddy.” He whispered.

 

“Huh? Are Mommy and Daddy okay?”

 

“No, they’re… they’re gone.”

 

“But aren’t they coming back?”

 

“Not this time, Pete.”

 

“Yes they are. They told me.”

 

“I know, but… something happened. They aren’t coming back.”

 

Peter furrowed his brows, and the bottom of his lips quivered. “Why not?”

 

May wasn’t sure if the young boy was ready to learn about death. And judging by Ben’s face, he wasn’t either. 

 

“Because they have to go away for a long time. They… they’re not gonna be around anymore.” May spoke up, voice cracking.

 

Tears slipped down Peter’s face and he balled his fists into Ben’s blue polo shirt. May scooted closer and brought Ben and Peter into a hug. Aside from Peter’s soft sniffles, the room was silent.

 

**_A U-Haul truck in the driveway_ **

**_The day it was suddenly real._ **

 

They moved Peter’s things into May and Ben’s apartment. A moving truck took the heavy furniture and put it in an empty room in their apartment. The room originally was meant to be a storage room, but they never ended up putting anything in it. So they made it Peter’s room (though that didn’t end up mattering; Peter only slept when he was in May and Ben’s room).

 

**_I told you not to come outside_ **

**_But you saw that truck_ **

**_And you smiled so wide._ **

 

The day they finished moving was the happiest day since Mary and Richard. It was sunny, and surprisingly warm for February. May and Ben carried the last of his Star Wars posters and lego figures to his room and cheered, finally finished. In the midst of their celebration, Peter had run outside to see the hefty truck parked on the side of the road. His eyes were shining in the way they hadn’t for so long.

 

May came outside to see Peter talking excitedly to the man driving the truck. She grabbed Peter’s hand and apologized, figuring he had somewhere else to be, but he gave a warm smile to her and said it wasn’t a problem.

 

**_A real live truck in your driveway_ **

**_We let you sit behind the wheel._ **

 

“Pleeeeease? Can I please sit in the truck!?” Peter begged, clasping onto May’s hand with both of his. She gave an unsure glance to the driver.

 

“Is it okay...?”

 

“Of course. Come on up here, son.” the man climbed out of the truck and held a hand out to help Peter get up. Once he was in the driver’s seat, he sat up straight so he could see over the dashboard and made “ _ vroooom, vrooooom!”  _ sounds like he was really driving it. The adults shared a laugh.

 

Peter looked genuinely happy sitting in that truck, more happy than he’d been in a while. The weight on May’s shoulders lifted, just a little bit.

 

**_Goodbye, goodbye_ **

**_Now it's just me and my little guy_ **

**_And the house felt so big, and I felt so small_ **

**_The house felt so big, and I felt so small._ **

 

Peter wouldn’t stop crying. It was the first night Peter officially had moved in with Ben and May, and he was  _ hysterical.  _ Not that May blamed him.

 

“I wanna see Mommy and Daddy again!” he sobbed into Ben’s chest.

 

“I know, bud, I know.” he mumbled. He sounded on the verge of tears himself.

 

Peter fixated on Ben with a red, blotchy face. It was stained with tears and snot.

 

“Can you s-stay with m-me?”

 

“Of course, Pete.”

 

He rested against Ben once more and resumed his sobbing. May couldn’t feel more heartbroken.

 

**_That night, I tucked you into bed_ **

**_I will never forget how you sat up and said_ **

**_"Is there another truck coming to our driveway?_ **

**_A truck that will take Mommy away."_ **

 

It took Peter two months to sleep in his own bed. May was fine with letting Peter sleep next to her and Ben, but he constantly would wake them up, desperately needing comfort. They were glad to offer it to him.

 

Peter finally said he was ready to sleep in his own room. It was all but abandoned, the last time anyone was in there was when May was decorating it. He put on his pajamas and curled up in his Pixar bedspread. As May stood to leave, Peter gripped onto her arm and pulled on it.

 

“Hm? What’s up, bud?” she asked softly. 

 

Peter rubbed at his eyes with his free hand. “Um, do you, uh, do you promise you’ll be here in the morning? I-I don’t want to be alone. If I leave you alone… you might not come back.”   
  


May’s heart shattered. He was such a small kid, he didn’t deserve so much hurt. He should be home with his parents.

 

“I promise, baby, we’re not going anywhere.” She pressed her lips against Peter’s forehead. They shared an “I love you” and May went back into her and Ben’s room. He gave her an anxious look as she sat on the bed and put her head in her hands.

  
“God… Ben, the poor kid thinks we’re gonna leave him. What are we gonna do?”

 

Ben moved closer to May. “We have to stay with him. We’re all he has right now.”

 

She lifted her head up, showing her red-rimmed eyes to him. “I just want him to be happy.”

 

He kissed her temple. More tears slipped out of her eyes.

 

“And whatever we do, we do together,”

 

She hummed. That was the only way they’d adjust properly. Together.

 

**_And the house felt so big, and I felt so small_ **

**_The house felt so big, and I_ **

 

May stepped through the apartment, scratching at her bicep nervously. Ben and Peter were out getting ice cream, leaving her alone.

 

The apartment had transformed drastically since Peter moved in. What used to be minimal photos on the wall and a relatively clean floor turned into dozen of collages of Peter, May and Ben posing and smiling and the wooden floors littered with legos. May and Ben occasionally would step on one and freak out, which made Peter laugh to no end. Sometimes she suspected he purposely left them there.

 

There were figures from different sci-fi films on counters everywhere, the fridge was full of Lunchables, and the coffee table was always packed with schoolwork Peter left out. As much of a hassle it was to take care of it all, May still would gladly alter her whole livelihood for the boy. He had that effect on everybody — especially Ben.

 

She sat on the couch and observed the silent apartment. She could picture it before Peter. What it used to be suddenly seemed much more boring.

 

**_And I knew there would be moments that I'd miss._ **

 

May hated her long hours at the hospital. Bags formed under her eyes and she yawned quietly, yearning to get home to her family. Peter had the science fair that night, and May wanted so badly to make it, but she couldn’t. He’d worked so hard on his project.

 

Playing with her messy bun, she grabbed her phone and looked to see any notifications. When there were none, she decided to call Ben to see how it went.

 

Ben picked up after the third buzz. “Hey, honey, what’s going on?”

 

“Nothing, I just wanted to see how the science fair’s going.”

 

“Oh -- Peter got first place! We’re at Carvel right now getting celebratory ice cream. You should see him, May, he’s freaking out right now with Ned. I’ll call you later and tell you about it, okay?”

 

May deflated a little. “Right. See you later.”

 

She sat back in a chair and stared at her phone. Peter’s first time winning the science fair, celebrating with Ned over ice cream, and she wasn’t there. She could imagine Peter’s huge smile, bouncing on his heels the way he did when he was excited. It tugged at her heartstrings knowing she missed it. Her energy fleeted all at once, and she just wanted to be where Peter was. Watching him and Ned run around stuffing ice cream in their mouths. Sharing a laugh with Ben over the rowdy kids.

 

She rubbed a hand over her face and stood to get back to work, keeping Peter in mind for the rest of the shift.

 

**_And I knew there would be space I couldn't fill._ **

 

May was upset when she saw Peter come home with the police; and without Ben.

 

But when she heard  _ why,  _ when she heard that her husband, the love of her life, was shot and left for dead, it brought a level of agony she couldn’t begin to describe.

 

Every breath was a sob. She was able to keep it together for the police, but as soon as they left she broke down. She just hugged Peter tightly on the couch, trying to give any comfort, but there was none to give between the two.

 

“Baby…” she whispered, hearing his shallow breaths, “you have to breathe. Breathe for me, okay?”

 

The irony wasn’t unknown to her; she could barely breathe herself. It felt like she was drowning, caught in an icy black ocean.

 

He moved away from her and took shaky but deep breaths before erupting back into sobs. He threw himself back into May’s arms, and they both cried together. May gave up on calming him down. She couldn’t calm down herself.

 

It took a lot of convincing, but eventually he was able to fall asleep. For the first time since he was little, he fell asleep in May’s bed. May messed with his curls flippantly as he slept. Tears stained both of their faces and she bet a million dollars he felt the same ache in his heart that she did in hers.

 

She wanted to help him. But she couldn’t, because she wasn’t Ben.

 

**_And I knew I’d come up short a billion different ways_ **

**_And I did_ **

**_And I do_ **

**_And I will._ **

 

Peter became an empty shell. He almost never came out of his room and he barely spoke. It broke May, knowing he was so close yet so far from her.

 

She tried multiple times to talk to him. She’d come into his room and rub his back, speaking softly about anything. He would always answer with a grunt or a hum, and wouldn’t say a word until May left his room. She could hear his sniffles from outside his door.

 

She felt completely useless.

  
  


**_But like that February day_ **

**_I will take your hand, squeeze it tightly and say_ **

**_“There’s not another truck coming to the driveway.”_ **

 

May came into Peter’s room early morning holding his breakfast plate. She put it on his nightstand, full well knowing he wasn’t going to eat it. She stared at him for a moment, curled up in his bed staring at the wall. She knew she needed to help him.

 

“Baby…” May whispered. She sat on his bed and put a hand on his side. “Can you look at me?”

 

He turned slightly to face her with puffy red eyes.

 

“Peter, I know. I know it hurts so bad,” her voice cracked, “but it’s gonna be okay. Ben’s watching us right now, and he’d want us to be happy.”

 

Peter was silent for a moment. “How do you know what he wanted?”

 

“Because he’s my husband. I know him.”

 

He sat up a little and hunched over, brunette curls covering his face when he looked down. His shoulders bounced as he sniffed.

 

Suddenly, he was grabbing May and pulling her close, squeezing her tight and sobbing. Just like that first night. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and cried.

 

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” May cooed.

 

“It’s not.”

 

“It will be.”

 

Peter just sobbed harder. “I miss him so much.”

 

She rested her cheek on his shoulder and tried to ignore the pang in her heart. “I do too.”

 

They pulled away after almost twenty minutes. “Can… can you stay with me?” he asked her sheepishly.

 

“Of course. I’ll always be here.”   
  


And that was one promise she’d never break.

 

**_Your mom isn't going anywhere_ **

**_Your mom is staying right here._ **

 

May woke up to Peter screaming.

 

She jumped to her feet and darted into his room. “Peter!”

 

He writhed and thrashed in his bed. A nightmare. He’d had his fair share of those recently. She rushed to his side and shook him. “Peter!”

 

Maybe she shouldn’t have woken him up so roughly, but she was panicking. All she knew was Peter was scared and May had to get him out of his head.

 

Peter jolted up with a large gasp. He dug his nails into May’s back and choked back a sob.

 

“M-May- I-I-”

 

“Shhh. It’s okay, Peter, you’re okay.”

 

“I- y-you were- weren’t there- I tr-tried to s-save you but I-I-”

 

May wanted to cry. He was having a nightmare about her. “I’m right here. I’m safe. We’re both okay.”

 

He didn’t respond, just gasped and held her tightly. “D-don’t leave.”

 

“I’m not. I’m never leaving you.”

 

He entwined his shaking hands into her shirt. She rocked him gently in the dark. She swore to herself, she’d never leave Peter. Even if she had to physically drag herself away from the pearly gates, she’d do it for him.

 

**_Your mom isn't going anywhere_ **

**_Your mom is staying right here._ **

 

May watched Peter play with his food. His face was pensive and tense.

 

“What’s the matter? I thought you loved larb.” she commented. Peter looked up at her as if he just realized she was there.

 

“Is it too larby? Not larby enough?”

 

Peter stayed silent and focused back on his food.

 

“How many times do I have to say larb before you talk to me? You know I larb you.” she laughed. The corners of Peter’s mouth twitched and hinted at a smile. May held in a sigh.

 

She just wanted him to be happy.

 

**_No matter what_ **

**_I'll be here._ **

 

Peter dropped his bag on the couch and immediately went into his room. May inspected him curiously, usually he would greet her and grab a snack first.

 

She cracked open his door and saw him on the bed with his knees folded into his chest, face buried in his hands. His breathing was harsh and his stomach inflated and deflated rapidly.

 

“Peter? You okay bud?”

 

It was as if he didn’t even hear her. Not one sound left his mouth other than his audible breathing.

 

She was by his side in an instant, pulling him into her chest and wrapping her arms around him. He leaned into the touch and clung onto May like a koala.

 

“Bad day?” she whispered.

 

“Mhm.”

 

May held him and tangled her fingers in his hair. “That’s okay. I’m right here.”

 

He sniffled. “I love you.” his voice cracked and breathing hitched.

 

“I love you too.”

 

**_When it all feels so big,_ **

 

Peter came home in an oversized “I Survived My Trip to NYC” shirt and Hello Kitty pajama pants. May held him as he cried, whispering about losing the Stark internship.

 

**_'Til it all feels so small._ **

 

The pair laughed as Peter stumbled over his feet. May tried to teach him to dance for Homecoming, and, as much as she loved him, he was pretty shit. But his smile was bright and genuine, so May didn’t care. 

 

**_When it all feels so big,_ **

 

May’s nephew was Spider-Man. She just found that out, seeing him in costume in his room. She didn’t take it away from him, but sometimes she wished she did. She could remember the days she’d be sitting at the kitchen table with a pit in her stomach and bile in her throat wondering if he’s okay. If he needs help. If he’s hurt. He’d always come home, but that didn’t stop May’s tears from gathering in her eyes as she pictured her baby somewhere, in pain, where she can’t get to him.

 

**_'Til it all feels so small._ **

 

May kissed Peter’s cheek as she handed him his bag. He was going on a field trip today, one he’d been excited for for weeks. He would enthusiastically tell May of all the amazing things he was going to see, and May would just listen, silently thanking anyone listening for letting him be so thrilled.

 

**_'Til it all feels so small._ **


End file.
